CD35: The Cancellation.

Well in the morning it'll be official. I'm cancelled for this cycle, I just know it. And if they don't pull the plug, I'm going to. 

I'm a little upset that they've let this drag out so long, and have allowed me to drop so much money in medications when I think they've known for days that things aren't looking as they should. I've been over-suppressed, and now I'm taking enough bloody drugs to stimulate a friggin' horse. This is ridiculous. I've already spent $4300 in monitoring and drugs. Cut ties, and cut ties now.

My e2 has been rising, but far too slowly, and I worry now about egg quality given my numbers are so low, especially with the insane doses of medication I'm on. T0 top it all off, I have only 5, maybe 6, worthwhile follicles growing. Everything else is 10mm or under - growing, but very slowly. I have lots in there, they're just being stubborn.

So. Tomorrow I'm going to ask that this cycle be cancelled and that we start fresh in a few months with a new one. Also that I be given the hCG trigger so that I can get this show on the road a little sooner than later.

We've waited so long for this to happen; it's heartbreaking to have to stop now. But - what's another 2 months on top of the 39 we've already waited? Really? Nothing.

Like my dad always says: "If you're going to do it, do it right."

CD26: The Injectables

So Monday this week (CD26) I started my injectable medications - Bravelle and Menopur. Thursday I had my first set of bloodwork and my estradiol was at a worrying level: 204pmol/L. Very low for what should have been around the 500 mark. So up, Up, UP! went my meds. When I went today for my ultrasound and more bloodwork, the scan confirmed my fears. I'm not responding to the medication as well as I should; or one could say that perhaps they've gone and oversuppressed me. Not good.

Also not good? I only have 6 follies growing. And my left ovary doesn't seem to be working very well.

Now everything hinges on the bloodwork results from today, and the results for the ultrasound I'll have in another couple of days. I just hope and pray that there are some extra little follies hiding out in there, just waiting to be stimmed.

I'm stressed. In 48 hours we'll know if we're cancelling the cycle or continuing. Fuck.

CD22: The Wait for Aunt Flow.

Well, glory glory, the Marvelon is done!! Man, I hated that pill. I really and truly hope that I don't ever have to be on it again. It did NOT agree with me. So was I ever happy when earlier this week I took the last one in the packet. Ahhhh. A sigh of relief.

The Synarel symptoms seem to have peaked; the sneezing seems to be mostly when I sniff on my right side and the hot flashes and nausea seem to come about 3 hours after each dose, last for about 20 minutes and then are on their way.

So far, so good. I can't complain really. I know that a lot of women get brutal migraines on the Marvelon and that some get hot flashes from the Synarel so bad that they can't even function. I'll count myself lucky, I guess!

Now, we wait. As of CD22 the wait for Aunt Flow had begun. Now, on CD25, she's here. She's just around that corner. I know her arrival is imminent - I can feel her breathing down my neck, just hours away from exposing me to brutal cramps and lovely PMS like symptoms.

Look out, hubs! I'm hopped up on hormones. Enter the pitbull with lipstick.

CD14-37: The Nasal Spray

It's been a while since I've updated my blog; in my last post I was just waiting to start the Synarel nose spray. It's a GnRH analogue antagonist, so it's effectively shutting my ovaries down as we speak. Ok, maybe not 'shutting down', but sending them into a nice winter's dormant state.

So far I've had a few side-effects from the spray. My nasal cavities are insanely dry and bleeding, despite consciously switching sides for each dose. I'm sure the current weather conditions aren't helping any but I don't normally ever get nose bleeds, so I'm sure the one's not helping the other.

I'm sneezing constantly - again, something I hardly ever do unless I'm sick. But actually, the sneezing I don't mind so much (it's one of my favorite bodily functions - it's like a little mini orgasm for your nose every time). What I do mind though is the fact that each time I sneeze I worry that I just expelled $50 from my nose, wasting the dose. Now I know, logically, that the meds are absorbed within 30 minutes so I try my best to hold any sneezes in for that long. But I've heard rumors that it's not good for your brain or something to stiffle your sneezes. What to do, what to do?

And then there's the hot flashes. They're not TOO bad yet, and hopefully they don't get any worse because I don't think my husband will be able to sleep with me much longer with a summer quilt and the window wide open in the dead of winter. Wimp.

My skin and, a-hem! lady bits, are very dry. Abnormally dry. I'm an oily person, but holy cow right now I could build a new person with all of the skin cells I'm shedding. Ewww gross.

The clinic called the day I started my nose spray and wanted me to pony up on the funds. Gah. That one hurt. And what kind of clinic only takes MasterCard or Cash/Cert Check? Whatever happened to American Express and Visa? It was just a very good thing that we actually had a high enough limit for this. 

The things we do for kids. 

The Calendar.

Just because, I decided to create my own chart or timeline or calendar, whatever you want to call it, for my first cycle. Tomorrow, on CD14, I start my Synarel nose spray, an antagonistic analogue of gonadotrophin releasing hormone (GnRH). Basically, as I understand it, it suppresses my ovaries. Get ready for a wild ride. I take the nasal spray twice daily, switching back and forth between nostrils. This continues until the morning of my trigger, or CD37 (if all goes well with my cycle).

I'm excited to start the spray, but a little nervous at the same time; I've felt so freaking sick on the Marvelon, I'm just waiting to feel even crappier (if that's even possible) with the two drugs being pumped through my system. So tomorrow, I start sniffing. Wish me luck. 

CD1 - CD21: The Pill....

My goodness. I think it's time for an update. Well, the ball is rolling; I started my birth control pill (Marvelon) last week in an effort to suppress my follicle growth enough so that when we start stimming all the little follies will start growing at the same time. I don't like Marvelon. Marvelon doesn't like me. It makes me feel so sick all of the time. My emotions are so up and down, I feel really bad for my poor husband right now. He doesn't really know what to do with me lately. 

Anyway, in the meantime I continue to chart, just not my temperatures. I didn't really think there was any point since I'm sure the meds will screw everything up and the whole point is that I don't ovulate... so charting seems a bit redundant.

I have to say, though, that I was tempted to do it anyway just to see what all of these medications do to your BBT. What can I say, I'm a geek. 

So my chart's looking a little bare, but it helps me to keep track of whether I've taken my medication yet that day. You'd think it would be an easy thing to remember... not so. After being off of the pill for 5 years, and even though I take vitamins every day religiously, I still have problems remembering. 

I'm sure once the horrid injections start I'll have a hard time forgetting that I must inflict pain on myself on a nightly basis. 

I start the Synarel nose spray, twice daily, near the end of the month. And then beginning of March at some point I'll start the injections. I think I'll post my schedule here so that I can have an electronic copy to refer to; Note to self: post copy. 

More to come!!

Let's rock this!

Ok, so here's the update (if anyone's reading)

Acupuncture:

I had my first few acupuncture sessions, and I have to say, I like it! It's very relaxing, very zen. As a matter of fact, for the first treatment I actually fell asleep! The needles were quite small, and only felt like little spasms as they went in and came out. Once they were all in place, I forgot they were there - you couldn't feel them. It has been a really neat experience so far. I quite like it! So I had posted my schedule a while back for my treatments here.

IVF:

Ok. We have a game plan and a protocol. I'll be taking Marvelon CD 1-21, and starting Synarel on CD 14 of my next cycle, which should be arriving around the first week of February. We'll see if my dear old Aunt actually decides to show up on time the one time she's actually needed.

I continue the Synarel, wait for my next bleed, and then phone in my CD1 in order to start injections. I'll be on Menopur & Bravelle, 75iu and 187.5iu, respectively.

If all goes well, our ER and ET will be mid-to-end of March. Amazing.

I think I'll add a separate gadget on my sidebar with a daily update of my meds, blood test results and follicle counts so that anyone reading can just follow along.

Hubby and I are really excited to finally have the ball rolling!! Now: hurry it up, Aunt Flow!

With a heart full of hope

So I'm sitting idle here waiting to finish off all of my appointments for the month - I'll update more on those in the coming weeks, but in the meantime I thought I would just post about, well, nothing.

OK well a post has to be about something,  but really it'll just be me rambling on about...babies. That's right. I'm going to actually talk about babies.

Do you ever find yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to be on mat leave? To be out and about, pushing that nice stroller you and hubby picked out, dog trotting along beside you, and babe happily cooing in the seat enjoying the nice sunny weather? Hmph. I have to admit, as our IVF date inches closer, I start wondering more and more what it will be like to be able to plan out a nursery. To buy clothes and furniture. To have a belly. To give birth. Even when I was pregnant with our little angel I didn't allow myself to think these things; it took us so long to get pregnant that I was really quite skeptical that it would last (and it turned out for good reason).

But now... now that we know that there's a real possibility that this IVF will work, I'm starting to allow myself to daydream a little bit. To start to think about what I would do with the nursery. I was actually just looking in the Sears catalogue today at the baby strollers and car seats, and thought to myself - OMG, I could actually be in the market for one of these in the next few months.

Unbelievable.

I just wonder what it will be like and how I will feel when I actually get pregnant. I've been trying for SO long, and have gotten so used to that sense of failure - what will it be like? Will I be apprehensive? For how long? Will I be happy? indifferent? in shock?

I've been an infertile for so long, I think the transition to the fertile side of the field might be a tough one.

Murphy, you're a jerkface.

I'm not quite sure why I still do it to myself, but there I was this morning, in my bathroom, and I reached for that stick.

You know the one. It calls your name during each two-week wait. It's elusive second pink line you long for each and every month.

We have a diagnosis. We have infertility. I know the odds of seeing a positive on that stupid pregnancy test is pretty much nil. So why oh why do I waste my money?

But more importantly: why do I put myself through that emotional each time I choose to pee on that golden stick? Why wouldn't I just wait to see if my period arrives?

And, that cruel man Murphy was knocking at that bathroom door this morning (AGAIN! The guy won't leave me alone...) as soon as I peed, I wiped - and there it was. Blood. Hello Aunt Flow. I've missed you this past month. (insert sarcasm here).

And so, we wait.

Patience. Not a virtue I possess.

Oh, man. Waiting sure does suck monkeyballs.We're still waiting for our next fertility clinic appointment. I start acupuncture this month, too. It's great to be moving forward with everything, but at the same time I'm really anxious that it's not happening fast enough. If anything, this experience of IF has definitely taught me patience if nothing else. You can't hurry your body, speed aunt Flow's arrival, change the way your clinic schedules their appointments. You just have to be patient. And you have to BE a patient. Uh. Not good at either, truth be told. At least my work has been busy. It bugs me a bit that B. isn't anxious at all about any of this. He's just so 'go with the flow', sometimes it's annoying. So I sit here. Twiddling my fingers. Patiently (ok - not-so-patiently) waiting for the next appointment. 

-A